Well this morning was my first, hopefully of many talks that I will be giving in my lifetime. I don't really know what to do with it because it didn't go well, and it didn't go bad, and it didn't go okay...it just went. after it was all said and done it was hard for me not to sabotage the feedback that people had given. i found myself saying things (in my head) like, "you aren't cut out for this, you are better in different situations then public speaking." and "why did you think you could do this." it was hard not to believe these lies that I was being fed (i've believed them for so long that it is hard to get over them in a day). but i was also able to recognize that they weren't from God, they didn't ring true in my heart. however, as i told brooke, i would have gladly dug my own grave and then filled the dirt in over my head, if it hadn't been for her. we went to Qdoba afterwards and talked through some of the comments. some of them were like:

-i would have liked it if you covered less material, it seemed as though you were trying hard to cover a lot of material in only 20 minutes
-there seemed to be this struggle of how to bring the analytical out of the mind and bring it to the heart. the crowd picked up on it. there were times where they sensed that i was in a 'board room' and other times when i was in a 'living room.'
-you didn't capture my heart right at the beginning, it wasn't until the end that you captured it.
-your words seemed comfortable and you could have played with tension better
-i loved how you brought science into your talk, but i would have liked more connection to the rhythm of our bodies with the science.

it was certainly hard to take those comments because, really, all i want to hear is, "great job Joel, i loved the talk, and you made me open my eyes to something i've never seen." but at the same time i want so desperately to be a phenomenal speaker, and this was my first talk. so what did i expect, i was hoping it would be incredible (it certainly would save a lot of hard work in the near and far future), but i really knew that it wasn't going to be.

the following are the key things i took away from my first talk
-tension: how can i better build it into a talk
-resolve: how can i better build it into a talk
-voice inflections -- i need to work on being less monotonous, and visibly show my passion more with my voice
-what does it look like to teach, but still be able to listen to the Spirit
-i've got a lot of work to do if i want to get better at this, and i do.

off to study 'hebs'