It was the day of Stan's death and I needed to occupy myself with stuff I love so I headed over to Barnes and Noble's to take in the sights of a million books. After spending two hours there reading anything from theology, to social justice, to a hiking route up Mount Adams, to Web Page Design, and finally ending with Quantum Physics. I was starting to feel a little better, and then I hopped in my car. In the CD player was a CD by Switchfoot. Track 9 started to play about a mile from home. The track is entitled 'On Fire' and the lyrics are simply amazing, and when put to guitar rifs and drums it is overpowering. The word 'mystery' first caught my attention, since I certainly felt like Stan's death was a mystery -- at least to me and everyone I know. So I started to pay more attention to the lyrics and I could start to fell my body connect with them. I got the pre-crying shakes and by the time I pulled into the driveway my whole body was echoing the pain I was feeling. I sat there in the driveway in tears, well after the song ended.

It was a beautiful moment to connect with a song, and to connect with God. I felt as though those words described how I felt about Stan. I was recently asked why I enjoyed his classes so much and I responded with, "I leave feeling like I just spent three hours worshipping God" Not many people can teach a class like that, but Stan was his theology and I saw God in him.

In light of this moment I sent the lead singer of Switchfoot an email on Monday. I got his email address from a friend of his that works at school with me. I've never done anything like that, in fear of being a stalker. But maybe it was the hours I spent with Dave Matthews a week prior and didn't say a word that motivated me to speak this time. To my surprise I got a response back 6 hours later. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was a response and for that I am grateful. Jon thanked me for the email and for the encouragement to go on with his work.

I continue to miss you brother, but as the days slowly go on a smile can cross my face. Say 'hi' to my grandma for me.

learning to love and to live
joel