Well I am officially back from Nashville and another Emergent convention has come and gone. As many of you know, this was my second trip to the Nashville version of Emergent (I went last year). This trip was quite different from the last year trip, for many reasons. But I will not compare the trips, as each holds value in unique ways. Instead, I will focus in the highlights, and possible low lights of this years trip. But before I do so, for those of you outside of my everyday life I need to include some context, otherwise not much of this will make sense.

Going into Emergent I knew I needed a break from many things. I was starting to feel spent and exhausted. On some level I had entered a rut that I couldn't get out of and I didn't like the rut I was in. Cynicism and anger were part of my regular conversations. I hadn't had a good interaction in a while, and even if I did, I wasn't in a place where I could really let it hit me. And most of all, I was annoyed and burnt out with the church that Brooke and I are a part of. I needed a purging, I needed fresh conversations, I needed new ways to look at things --as the old ones weren't working anymore.

In a conversation I had with the team about a week before we left for the convention I expressed my fears and anxieties about the trip and we made sure that we all found people to urgently pray for us while we were away. The funny thing about most prayers is that we never know if they are answered. Sometimes we think we do, but typically we say that 'God answered prayer' when things went the way we wanted them to. In this case, for this trip, the things I wanted prayed for weren't specific, they more mood-al. I needed a check with my mental state, and thus I will never know if they were answered, because I don’t know what my trip would have been like if no one was praying for me. But anyway, I think I can comfortably say that 'God answered prayer'.

The following are some very specific conversations that I was a part of -- and these are my thoughts on them.

Emerging Women in Leadership Luncheon
This event was sponsored by Mars Hill Graduate School on behalf of and for the sake of the Emerging Women Leadership Initiative. All the major 'celebs' of Emergent were invited to a three hour luncheon to discuss women in leadership in the church.

For those of you who know me well you know that this is something that I am passionate about. This isn't the space to explain why, but I will say that the kingdom of God needs the voice of women. But, even with as much passion I have around this topic I accepted this invitation a little bit hesitant. One of the reasons for this is that typically the environment of these conversations is one that I do not enjoy. I am obviously a white male in the Church, and because of this baggage is typically placed on me, in these conversations, that is not mine to carry. When I speak the assumption is usually made that I don't get it and that I need to be 'converted.'Obviously, I push-back against this. Just like these women want me to see them as a human being created in the image of God, so to, I want them to see me as a human being created in the image of God -- not the problem. I am for them, not against them, and I want them to be for me, not against me.

The luncheon started with breaking into small groups where a male was paired up with a female and we were to talk about the most influential woman in our lives (and for the males it couldn't be our mother or wife). I sat with two women who I respect very much and we swapped storie -- it was a very beneficial time. We then got back into one large group and listened to stories of harm caused by the Church. Numerous women shared horrendous stories about disrespect. We, men, then had a time to respond to the stories. At the close we had time to talk about steps forward from here and what, we as a group, were going to do to continue the conversation forward.

During this three hour session I was all over the spectrum of emotions. I was over joyed with steps that were made and I was so angry at points that my body was shaking. At one point I was embarrassed that I was part of the conversation. What I feared would happen did. We men, were objectified as the problem (therefore made into a us versus them conversation), and baggage, some of which we didn't deserve was thrown at us. Through this whole process I kept silent and just listened to story after story. I wanted to be attentive to the process that needed to occur for steps to be made. And, at some level, the anger and frustration of the women needed to be released. I knew that this was really the first venue where this could happen, somewhat safely. As expected, and maybe somewhat justified, men in the room became defensive. They pushed back against certain claims, which then, the women pushed back against them. This process went on for a little while and during this process the tension in the room increased greatly. We had suddenly moved from a conversation to an argument and I felt as though we were taking steps back and possibly creating an 'excuse' for the men to not re-enter this conversation next time (which I hope doesn't happen). The thing we both need to remember is that none of us in that room are bad people --we all have good intentions and all want to love each other the best we know how. I don't think we remembered this, until the end of the conversation when a couple people spoke up and helped re-center us.

All in all I hope that both the men and the women can re-enter the conversation, or keep it continuously moving forward. It is going to be a long, slow process and we need to be patient. There are years of harm caused and we need to be attentive to that. We need to own what is ours, and shed that which isn't. We also need to be comfortable with our own sexual nature. We men, need to be comfortable enough with our own sexual desire to be able to sit on a leadership team with women and not feel as though they are a threat to our marriage. We need to learn to be intimate with women and be ok with it. Until we get to that point not much is going to change because we are either consciously or sub consciously going to run the other direction because we view women as a threat. We men may be all for women in leadership, but until we view them as a human being, and not a threat, movement is going to be slow. I want men to be able to hug a woman as she cries and feel a level of intimacy that is ok. In my opinion the kingdom needs this and us men need to own up to this.

Well my writing time for the day is up...this is one of four conversations that I will blog about, so stayed tuned for the other three.

Peace
joel