hate. anger. disgust. resentment.

these words destroy us. moment by moment. inch by inch. these words constrict the life in us until all we can feel is death.

recently i was in South Lake Union and ran into a man named (for this conversation) Alan. Alan is in his 40’s and is a recovering alcoholic that lives in a community house of recovering alcoholics. This is his third time trying to make it through the entire program. The first two times, obviously he failed. So as I watched him write, scribble, sweat, and throw away draft after draft of his resume I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing. So I approached him and said, “Hey, I’m Joel, whatcha workin’ on?” His response was simple, “My resume.” He scribbled down some more words as I watched and wondered what his life has been like, how did he get to seattle, why am i and him in the same space. Soon a conversation started and I was able to get answers to some of my questions. But the one that is relevant for this post was when I asked him why he thought he was an alcoholic. A risky question I know, but he seemed to be self-aware enough to answer it — fortunately, I was right. Without waiting for me to put the question mark on my question he said one word — RESENTMENT.

really?

I didn’t expect such an answer. but as it sat with me, and has continued to sit with me for 5 days now I feel his answer to be true.

resentment is a form of self-contempt. when i have resentment I ask myself questions like, “why did I do that?” or “what was i thinking, i’m such an idiot.” If I sit in these questions enough i soon begin to believe them to be true, and because i believe them to be true I then act on them. and it is never good to act on a lie. acting on lies gets me in trouble, and if you are anything like me, acting on lies probably gets you in trouble. none of us like trouble — so why do we continue to live this way? why do i, and us, continue to believe the lies the pinball around in our heads about ourselves. why won’t the tape stop playing?

the answer is complex, and could be anyone of a million things and so the brilliance of Jesus saves the day once again. Jesus knows that humans play tapes in their head of lies and he knows that when humans act on them trouble happens. So what does he do? he questions where we gather our identity from. he systematically destroys the very things that we think we get our identity from, and when there is nothing left to say “this is what gives me worth” he comes along side and says crazy, but true, things like “in order to find life you have to lose it” and “the last shall be first and the first shall be last” and “your identity is in me, the Christ, the Son of the living God.” (now is the time to take a deep breathe and exhale slowly.)

i continually gather my identity from things other than God. and when I do — i end up empty and screaming out for hope.

may i, and may we all, not belief the lies.

learning to love
joel

i am writing this post to say that i have been converted to the one true faith. the original. the alpha. the one that started it all.

yup, that’s right.

i now own a mac — the cool silvery one.

ahh, my coolness and trendiness just increased 10 fold. but contrary to popular belief — they still crash.

joel

today I was listening to NPR and there was an individual on “The Conversation” that was talking about the reality of blogs and the reality of unedited news and the authorship of all people. This particular individual wasn’t too keen on the idea of blogs and the way they are shaping how we connect and how we view relationship to one another. I strangely found myself agreeing with this individual as he talked about how suddenly people think that we, the reader, care what you ate for breakfast, and what you are doing today. His argument was that it wasn’t truly connection, instead it is similar to voyeurism in that we feel connected because we know data, or have certain information about someone, and yet we can go for days without actually seeing the person or using our vocal cords to talk to the person.

For me this has always been the catch22 of a blog. I want people to know what is going on in my life and yet what is ‘important’ enough to broadcast internationally. for a while i thought that the more surface info i gave the more people would feel connected to me and me to them. so i put on my blog, pictures, books i was reading, songs i was listening to, and other blogs i read. and most of these are still on my site — simply because i haven’t had time or the desire to edit the PHP to get them out of there. but what i found, was that in posting this stuff people would randomly say to me, “hey i saw on your blog that you are reading….” and granted, i liked this, or should i say, my ego liked this, because i felt important — and so over time my blog became self serving, a digital form of narcissism. these comments became my idol, something i sought after . but soon, i realized this and became disgusted with how my blog was being used — so i stopped blogging. i retreated into digital silence, and therefore to some people i disappeared C-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y. It was like i never existed in their life because the pixels of connection no longer existed. WEIRD — ehh? so what is better, voyeurism of life and narcissism, or ceasing to exist?

as a friend of mine would say, “that is quite a conundrum”

peace
joel